Space Invaders
by Leaper
Summary: Ralph lends a hand during a console crossover crisis. Another blatant, albeit somewhat longer, excuse to make a bunch of dumb video game jokes and hopelessly geeky video game references.


Ralph sighed as he threw himself into his bed. Ever since the whole mess had been straightened out, life had been exhausting, but this time in a good way. It was a lot of work getting the high demand for cameos in his game organized in addition to his own job. Still, life, and his outlook, were getting better, inch by inch. So he had a smile on his face as his eyelids slowly drifted closed...

"RALPH!" Even as his eyes snapped open again, even as his nerves sent him bolt upright, he recognized the voice. He wondered for the fiftieth time why he'd let Calhoun set up that video monitor right across from his bed. He recalled being yelled at and cajoled, and even flattered in a weird way ("I refuse to let even the tiniest atom of potential go to waste! When you're at war, you need to squeeze rocks DRY!"). Still, the juxtaposition of the cutting edge, high-definition, widescreen monitor with the rest of its surroundings was... jarring, to say the least. Almost as jarring as the sarge's intense glare, also in high def widescreen format.

"Uh, Cal... Sir! Ma'am! Ah..." He had to resist the urge to stand up and salute.

"We've got trouble! Level five containment breach! I'm mustering all the forces I can to fix it, but I need logistical aid behind the scenes!"

"Right! Uh, level five... breach. That's... bad." Or at least he hoped.

Calhoun glared. Ralph quailed, half-afraid that she'd be able to slap him through the monitor. "This is no time for chit-chat! We've got a logjam at all points and I need crowd control double-time!"

Slowly, Ralph began to remember some of the sergeant's terminology. "Containment" was her word for the barriers that kept the various genres and platforms of games separate, so that they didn't become a hopeless tangle. Level one was the most mild level, so level five...

Ralph was fully awake now. His eyes widened. "You mean...?"

Calhoun nodded grimly. "We're being invaded. By the consoles."

* * *

**ONE HOUR INTO THE CRISIS**

"Okay, if I could have everyone's attention..."

It wasn't that Ralph, or anyone else he knew, had anything against console characters. It wasn't like they _wanted_ to kill the arcade. Heck, some of his best friends had crossover console presence.

But Game Central Station, for all its cavernous space, was finite. It was designed, and carefully scheduled, to take on traffic from either stand-up cabinets or consoles - one or the other, with a small allowance for said crossover characters. It simply did not have room for both.

"People, I need to say something..."

This, of course, explained the massive chaos that now enveloped the place. Ralph boggled as he took in the sight of shoulder-to-shoulder-to tail humanity, animality, robotality, and every other kind of -ality that now filled Game Central Station to near bursting. The cacophony of a hundred thousand separate conversations and demands pierced even his thick earmuffs.

"Hello? Can anyone hear...?"

Edgar Figaro was trying to hit on Mia Fey, and failing miserably. Princess Anastasia was taking a photo of a Metool, her flash blinding Alucard. Banjo-Kazooie and Royal Court Wizard Donald Duck were having an argument absolutely nobody could understand. Everyone was chatting or grumbling or being distracted by something or someone they usually didn't see. In other words, no one was paying attention.

"Hello? I need everyone to..." Ralph sighed. He took a lung-filling breath (and with the size of his lungs, it took a few good seconds). "**QUIET**!"

The room immediately fell dead silent.

"Thank you. Okay, we need to get a little order here. There are way too many games represented here, so we're going to sort you guys by character type. Robot Masters, go to station A." There was some milling about in the midst of the crowd as the characters, unseen through the numbers, obeyed. "Silent heroes, go to station B. Amnesiac heroes, go to station C. Silent amnesiac heroes go to station D, and Cids, you all are in station E..."

There was considerable movement and shifting, but the room didn't seem any less empty than it was before. Ralph groaned. "There has to be a better way."

"May I offer a suggestion?" Lucia the elf asked quietly, quietly enough that Ralph had to take off the earmuffs for a moment. Lucia's fellow warriors were helping Calhoun with the breach; even the lich Deimos was part of the effort, not wanting his Tower to fall before the "stinking console masses," as he put it.

"If you have an idea to clear this place out, please!"

"Then I shall." The green-clad elf closed her eyes and began to chant. "Cloudki-"

"NO!"

Lucia opened her eyes and blinked. "But that would empty the room quite nicely. They have enough quarters for extra lives, do they not?"

"It's not like that for consoles. They..." Ralph groaned again and rubbed his face. "I'll explain later. Right now we need to..."

"Excuse?" The big white fluffy... thing wearing a poofy chef's hat waved his (her? its?) hands in the air.

"Yes?"

"Ah..." Quina began, "when we eat?"

"Oooh, that's right!" Chie piped up. "I'm _starving_! We got any beef bowls around here?" Kirby squeaked in something that sounded a lot like approval. Others began to add in their support. The single drop begun by Quina turned into a tidal wave.

"Aw, geez, I don't know if we have any... Uh, if everyone could just be a little patient, we..."

Then, of course, the absurdly bad timing that seemed to be a hallmark of Ralph's life of late came into play as a new figure joined Ralph's side.

"Hey," the sunny-side up egg said with a wave. "Mr. Pickle and Mr. Hot Dog have gotten the back rooms straightened out. I have no idea where Pepper is, but if we..."

A deathly hush fell over the room. Mr. Egg seemed to sense this, and turned slowly towards the crowd. A large number of them were separating from the rest and advancing on him with weird looks on their faces.

"FOOD!" Quina screeched. The dam broke: Mr. Egg shrieked as a dozen hungry characters descended upon him all at once.

Ralph gasped in horror. "Lucia!"

"It's done!" Her bow was out and nocked in a flash of movement. She fired off arrow after arrow into the melee. Kirby was the first to be hit; his eyes widened for a moment in startled pain, then drifted closed into a deep slumber. Yoshi was the next to fall to the sleep arrows, then Munchlax. Within seconds, Mr. Egg was surrounded by heaps of slumbering characters at his feet.

"I... I can't believe it!" he gasped! "I'm alive! I'm INVINCIBLE! I..." He trailed off, blinking (a momentous accomplishment, considering he didn't have any eyes). He looked down at the arrow sticking out from the middle of his yolk. "Oh." Then he too fell like a redwood.

"Oops," came Lucia's voice from behind the jaw-dropped Ralph. "My apologies. I got... carried away."

"GREEN ELF HAS SHOT THE FOOD!" a loud voice from out of nowhere bellowed.

"Wait, that's it? All that set-up, and that _lame_ gag is the freaking punchline?! God, I _hate_ fanfic!"

Ralph groaned. "What are you talking about, Deadpool?"

"I'm talking about being in a _screwy_ non-story whose only purpose is to satisfy the raving ego of a writer who... Wait a second. You already know about breaking the fourth wall in video games. But you can't see it here, which means I'm breaking two fourth walls all at once, but there can only be one fourth wall, and is there a fifth wall and my head hurts now."

"You're not the only one," Ralph muttered.

"Ah, screw all this. I'm gonna go to Tapper's (the real one, not the stupid root beer one) and swap stories (and hopefully spit) with She-Hulk. At least _she_ can understand what I'm going through."

"You go do that."

"Oh, and can you ask Vanellope for me if it's true what I hear about her and Matt Damon...?"

"Good _bye_, Deadpool."

"Fine... Sheesh. Hasta luego... Hey, I know you! You're...! Bahahahaha! Your name is _Fygar_! That sounds like... like words that it wouldn't be appropriate to say in a K-rated fanfic! Hahahahahaha!"

The little green dragon cast its best glare at the prostrate mercenary, who was currently lying on the floor and holding his stomach, kicking the air in his mirth.

Ralph sighed. He should've known the instant Calhoun woke him up, but the realization hit full force now: this was gonna be a _long_ day.

* * *

**TWO HOURS INTO THE CRISIS**

Ralph wasn't sure who told everyone that he was in charge (he suspected Calhoun), but as he stood in the middle of the crowded room, pointing and directing and prodding, he began to miss wrecking stuff. That, at least, was simple. Here, there were all sorts of things to worry about: logistics, timing...

"HEY, ZELDA!"

The small boy with the pointed ears and green cap automatically turned towards the voice.

Ganondorf snickered. "I thought so."

Link's eyes narrowed as he drew his blade.

Personality conflicts...

"It's dangerous to go alone!" the old man at Ralph's side declared. "Take this!"

Ralph took the bottle rather gratefully and took a swig. He'd definitely need this.

* * *

**TWO AND A HALF HOURS INTO THE CRISIS**

Ralph cocked his head. "So if I put the red Pikmin over _here_..." He scratched his chin. "Then I move the white ones _there..._" He crossed his arms, frowning. "Then I switch the yellow ones and the blue ones..." He brightened, pointing at the neatly filled room in triumph. "That's it! They're all inside! Thanks, Professor!"

The other man tipped his tall top hat. "My pleasure, Ralph. A true gentleman always lends a hand during a crisis."

"So, uh... That's two hint coins?"

"Indeed." The coins jingled in his hand.

"If you don't mind me asking... What exactly do you DO with them?"

The professor chuckled. "Ah, now that _is_ a puzzle, isn't it?"

* * *

**THREE AND THREE QUARTERS HOURS INTO THE CRISIS**

"RALPH!" It was exactly the same voice, in the same tone and inflection, as that morning. Only this time, it was live. Ralph turned to see Sgt. Calhoun stalk towards him. "Report!"

"W-well," Ralph stammered, "it's going okay, I suppose. Someone put Kratos in the same room as Amaterasu and Kid Icarus, so we're still trying to clean up the mess there. Wander almost has the Cubia Core under control, and I tried to get someone other than Pyramid Head to deal with the Sims, but no one else would..."

"Hey, babe." The two turned to see a muscular blonde man with a buzz cut standing behind them. He looked over his sunglasses at Calhoun, waggling his eyebrows.

"Duke," the sergeant replied evenly.

"Long time no see. Hey, after this, how about you and me go out for a beer? I've got a few new tricks I learned from one of the hentai game chicks a while back..."

Calhoun raised her plasma rifle and calmly shot him in the face. Ralph jumped back, boggling as the man hit the floor with a wall-shaking thud.

Calhoun's face was stoic in front of Ralph's wide-eyed stare. "We used to date." Her voice almost dared him to ask further questions, but he wisely stayed silent. Finally, she nodded. "I'm going back out there. Keep me posted." She stepped over the prostrate body on the floor and walked off without another word.

"Oh, man..." a voice from the floor groaned as Ralph continued to stare after Calhoun, slack-jawed. "What a woman..."

* * *

**FOUR AND A QUARTER HOURS INTO THE CRISIS**

"So I was thinking that I could accompany Ico and Sora to take the Shadows to... INCOMING!"

Samus shoved Ralph flat against the wall. They watched as Ukyo Tachibana sprinted past them, pursued by a huge gaggle of women of varying ages, hearts literally in their eyes. After the herd thundered past, the two continued their walk-and talk as if nothing had happened.

"That sounds like a good idea. Then I could ask Ramia to fly me to... LOOK OUT!"

This time it was Ralph that did the shoving. Lara Croft ran by, her face stoic as she ran from the huge rose covered Katamari that rolled after her with almost supernatural precision.

"Do you think you could ask her if she could take me too? I should find out if the Lego Zone is still intact, so I can... WATCH IT!"

This time, it was Nico Bellic in a stolen Trans Am roaring by, pursued closely by Max Payne in his own vehicle, which he was somehow driving while firing off a few rounds at the fleeing criminal and not looking much like Mark Wahlberg.

Ralph wiped his forehead. "This is getting kind of... chaotic."

Samus shrugged. "Eh, it's okay. I'd rather be doing this than escaping yet another self-destructing war zone."

"Pardon me..." The British-accented voice was sharp and annoyed. Ralph turned to see a sweating Lara glaring up at him. "I've heard that you've been claiming that you're me..."

"Oh boy," Ralph groaned.

* * *

**FIVE HOURS INTO THE CRISIS**

"I am _not_ a D&D ripoff!" the Cacodemon snarled. "You take that back!"

"Spherical eye monster?" sniffed Luca Blight. "You're lucky Wizards of the Coast didn't cut you all down with a cease and desist order."

"You bastard!" the Cacodemon roared. "I've had enough of your insults! Let's see what happens when you aren't part of an overpowered multi-part boss battle, you...!"

"Guys!" Ralph interrupted. "Isn't there a peaceful way you can resolve this?"

"Peaceful? I'm a demon from hell!"

"And I'm a sadistic bloodthirsty warlord with no conscience or self-control!"

"Fine, fine, but there has to be a better way... Hmm. I think I have an idea..."

_Later..._

"Hah! Five skulls in a row! I deal damage to you, get an extra turn _and_ a wildcard!"

"You cheater! You could see what was coming to set that up! I know it!"

"Blah blah blah. All I hear is the melodious whining of losers!"

_Well,_ Ralph thought, _at least they can resolve the new fight with another game...  
_

* * *

**ONE HOUR POST-CRISIS**

Never had Ralph's bed looked so good to him (something he hadn't thought possible after the Sugar Rush incident). Calhoun and some other heroes had finally sealed the breach, and all the console characters had returned to their games. Finally, peace and quiet.

Ralph's consciousness was already fading as his cheek felt soft padding underneath it. As he slipped off into dreamland, he was glad that the arcade would be closed for another day for a holiday. Maybe he'd visit Vanellope. She'd been a big help in this latest crisis, and it'd be nice to...

"RALPH!" He sat up bolt upright. Calhoun was glaring at him from the video screen. Ralph was starting to wonder if he'd accidentally wandered into the Shadow Hearts games and gotten stuck in a time loop too... "We've got an MMO breach! We need your help! Get a move on!"

Behind her, Deadpool ran by, screaming "LEEEEROYYYY JENNNNKINSSSS!" at the top of his lungs while being pursued by a Worgen mage and a stick figure carrying an accordion.

Ralph groaned and jammed his pillow over his face.

**AN: I think I'll let someone else do the MMO one. :P**


End file.
